Commitment, like love, is not enough

Gordon Main, Monday 4 June 2018

“If there is anything that children need from parents, even more than
food and shelter, it is knowing that parents are committed to them”

(Mary Dozier, This is My Child, 2005)

Our current practice, culture and systems in caring for children who
are unable to live with their parents keeps them safe and allows them to
survive, but for some a lack of true and enduring commitment from their
alternative carers can still be devastating.

How does our
current system of temporary foster or residential care make sense for
children? Does it make any sense for the thousands of carers that want
to provide and show enduring commitment, but feel unable to because of
the emotional risk they would place themselves in- committing to a child
who may not be able to remain with them?


I am not talking about any old commitment here. We are committed to
many things, but the focus of that commitment can change. Depending when
you catch me, my own commitment to certain tasks at work, getting along
to watch my football team, or having one or two less beers on a Friday
night can fluctuate. But, ask me about my sons and, given half the
chance, I will express way too much delight in goals scored, school
problems solved, running achievements or any and all other fascinating
elements of their characters. For many children, such different degrees
of that ready expression of joy and lifelong commitment to them is the

Confusing and inconsistent

This is not a given for children in or on the edge of care. Their
experience of parenting is likely to have been confusing, frightening or
inconsistent, or neglectful. They may have had caring adults in their
lives at different stages, but the overwhelming needs of their parents
or carers may have made those relationships with them impossible to

The pathways taken into care may also have inadvertently broken some
of those ties with their wider families, their brothers and sisters,
friends, teachers or neighbours. The Care Inquiry in England in 2013
found the greatest failing of the care system is that it can break,
rather than build, relationships for children.

Thinking of children as our own

So, it’s not just ordinary parenting or standard commitment children
in care need. The type of commitment Mary Dozier is talking about in
relation to young children in foster care is the extent to which carers’
expressed interest in enduring relationships with their foster children
and the extent to which they thought of them as their own.

High levels of carer commitment are optimal for children’s
development: this reduces the chance of placements breaking down and
helps to protect children who have lost attachment figures from negative
self-image. Children are more likely to develop an internal working
model of themselves as loveable and worthy of care.

What carers need

Commitment, like love, is not enough. Skilled, therapeutic parenting
is needed to help children recover from trauma and loss. Carers,
regardless of their setting, need specialist training, active support,
containment for their own needs, and excellent, readily available peer
support to ensure children’s development and wellbeing. Practitioners
and carers know this, but we’ve not yet delivered on all of this.

There are many examples and models of us progressing on this journey.
There are also innovative steps towards strengthening existing
commitments or growing new commitments from children’s own wider
circles. Kinship work that is using family library searches and family group meetings in Scotland’s two biggest cities is showing promise.

Enduring commitment

It is worth stopping to ask why it is that, in spite of the built-in
challenges to our current delivery of kinship care – poverty;
overcrowding; lack of wider resources, training or peer support;
emergency placements; carer ill health – many children cared for by
their kin in high income countries fare as well, or better, in their
health, education, social skills and stability of placement, as those
looked after by non kin foster parents?

Could the more positive
opinion children have of being placed with their kin, rather than in
other care settings, be down to their sense of feeling loved and valued,
and the enduring commitment from their relatives? Does this provide the precious ingredient for children that psychologist Michael Tarren-Sweeney describes as ‘felt permanence’?

have no desire to elevate one type of care above another: what we need
to strive for is the best possible version of care, regardless of the
setting. We need to shape services and support our residential, kinship
and foster carers in knowing the importance of, and expressing strongly,
their enduring commitment to the child they are caring for, regardless
of the challenge that the system presents.

Published by Residential Forum

The Residential Forum is to promote the achievement of high standards of care and support for children and adults living in residential care and nursing homes, supported housing, residential schools and colleges, hospices and hostels. It contributes to improving the quality of service to the public. Members of the Forum are people of standing and experience drawn from the public, private and voluntary sectors, as well as some who can speak for service users and carers.

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